Thursday, February 14, 2013

Jolt of Reality

Origin of pic
Just because it's my choice, doesn't make it easy!  

We hired my replacement at work today.  She starts training with me on Monday.  For the next four months, I'll be teaching her to be me... well hopefully not ME, but to do whatever it is that I do here. 

I'm feeling... I don't know how to even express it.  Past the point of no return, rolling down the cliff, out of the frying pan and into the fire.  My mind is spinning and my chest feels tight.  My heart is racing.  I'm breathless but not having a heart attack.  It's a reality attack. 

I've been mentally planning for our future for months... years!  But I guess I haven't been addressing how I will let go of sixteen years of history in one workplace.  I've been here since before my divorce.  My kids were in grade school when I came here.  I've seen physicians, administrators and employees come and go in an endless procession while I've stayed on.  I think I'm gonna be SICK!

I can't even imagine how I will go about training her.  What things will I tell her and what things will I just let her figure out for herself?  I hope that she will do better than I in many ways, but in other ways... it would be nice if they missed me just a little...  A breath of fresh air, a new attitude, an unbiased eye... will be a good thing for the practice.  I just hope that I can keep it together until time to go!

My mind will now be forced to reconcile how we will live on Bruce's income.  I have earned my own living, or at least pulled my weight... since I was a teen!  I'm tossing away the safety net for myself and my children.  If I were to add up all of the days I've spent jobless in the past 30 years, they would probably be about the equivalent of one year!  It's mind boggling!

Wish me luck as I travel backwards on the "corporate ladder".  The fall will be interesting I think... I've just gotta get past these first few rungs, then I'm sure I'll be back on track to the land of palm trees and sunshine (and dysfunctional heads, diesel engines, seasick cats, etc.).


  1. I was the Director of a non-profit for 17 years when I left to do this crazy thing. I thought I would never leave the organization I founded and nurtured and thought it might not make it if I wasn't around to nudge a little here and there. I attended the annual big event the first year and though it was different in many ways, it succeeded. Lo these 7 years later, I rarely give it a thought. I raised it right, had a wonderful and special time and impacted a broad sector of the populace. But the "baby" grew up and stands on its own and those people probably think of me occasionally (and fondly) I believe, but my new life filled in all the gaps left by the removal of the previous. In the cruising life (and probably on land too) you will realize that people come into your life in three ways; some for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime.

    1. Beautifully stated Connie. I need all the positive reinforcement I can get these next months. I once thought I could never leave but the pull of the Cruising Dream has gradually nudged that certainty from my mind. Still... there will be unexpected moments like these that will give me a shock. I was already thinking I might have to "skip" my last day at work as it could prove to be my undoing. But, maybe my undoing will come sooner than that... I'll keep your words in mind, Thank you.