I've been retired for just over a month now. The first couple of weeks were spent traveling and then we spent a week out on the boat. We had a great time in Florida and totally enjoyed our time on the boat exploring Matagorda Island. We had a vacation from our vacation to (hopefully) give me a ramp down off the merry-go-round.
Now that we're settled in I just can't seem to get my act together! Where are my lists? Where are my organizational skills? Where is my agenda? I just can't seem to get organized in a meaningful way and it's got me fretting...
On one hand, we've got three months to get "ready" when, essentially, we could leave today and be just fine. So where's the stress in that? But then, there's that compulsive part of me that needs to be doing something constructive all the time! There's the "me" that needs to see all those "t's" crossed before we can be "ready". If I don't get "X" amount of things accomplished each day, I feel guilty.
I seem to be OK with foregoing the boat projects for recreation, as long as there is a particular named event. There must be something I can recount: We went sailing today, or we went racing today, or we had dinner with friends today. We sat on our backsides and read a book today? Nope, I'm having a hard time doin' it. What is WRONG with me?!?!
We love being on the boat. We are having NO regrets about our choice. I just need to get my list maker jump started. I think if I had a great list that I could mark things off of, I would be OK. But I can't seem to do it! So maybe I need to kick the list maker to the curb and just go with the flow... Sounds easy right? Can't do it!
I knew there would be adjustments once I retired and I just need to settle down and let them happen. It's OK if we don't finish a job today. No, I don't have to have a documented reason that no jobs were finished today. No, I won't be fired if no jobs get finished today. Yes, I can still do the job tomorrow or the next day. Maybe I'll do some other job in between or maybe I'll just go float off the transom for a while... It's OK!
But I'm Impatient. I'm impatient that my mind and body have not responded as quickly as I would like. I've spent so many years working at a desk, that now, when I'm more physically active, there has been a certain amount of rebelling going on. I'm TIRED! I want to SLEEP! It's not just the mind numbing kind of tired... real physical tired! And it's been, what a month? Surely I should be superwoman by now!
I find my words coming back to bite me in the butt. Words about how joyously I would embrace the opportunity to learn new things from doing boat projects. Words about how Bruce and I would revel in our uninterrupted time together. Words about how lovely life would be...
Now, don't get me wrong... all of those things are still there, but they're morphing into reality. I had my first "laugh-until-you-cry" moment when we were stuck in the endless mire of a project-gone-wrong. A simple thing that didn't even NEED to be done, should have taken half an hour tops, that took us all day and part of another. I just wanted to SCREAM! "Why didn't we just leave it like it was!???!!!".
Bruce and I have had our first real fight! The kind of fight in which someone says "If you say another word, I'm going to turn this van around and we're going back to the boat!"! It was such a communication breakthrough for us! We have grown and learned from it, but at the time, it wasn't so great.
So why am I blathering about all of this? Because it's my Blog and I can cry if I want to! Because I have always felt that if I can get things out of my head, they will stop bothering me. Because if there are other people out there who read this and can empathize, maybe shed some words of wisdom or send some encouragement my way... it will hasten my recovery from this madness!
Yeah, whaa whaa, poor me. Quit my job and living the dream. Bla Bla Bla....Yes it's true and I count myself lucky every day when I get up and get to decide what we will do. I feel my soul yawning and stretching every time I get to change my mind about what we will do today when a better offer comes our way. I feel the endless possibilities roll out in a thing as simple as doing my laundry on a Wednesday instead of waiting for the weekend.
Ahhh, see! I'm feeling better already. Today we will play and tomorrow we will get back on track. Tomorrow I will resume picking up the marbles.