We hear so much about taking care of ourselves first, so that we can better care for our loved one. Yesterday I tried. I booked some spa services at a very small local spa, where we've been before. They have a lovely space, soft music, big windows overlooking a well manicured lawn, big chair in the corner for my husband to sit that's only 10 feet from the spa table. I took him to the toilet twice during my treatment. I checked on him continuously, he always answered that he was good. Five minutes before my treatment was done, he got up and started picking up my bags. He had become cold. (I had a jacket on him) and when he gets cold, he starts to panic. He was halfway to a panic attack. I jumped off the table, took him the blanket I had over my body, settled him down, tucked him in, and when he had calmed enough to tell me he wa-s ok, I finished my treatment. Literally five more minutes. On the way out, I tried to take his water bottle from him and his finger got caught in the handle. He said as plain as if he hadn't lost the ability to speak, "Today just isn't my day". I got him to the car with minor stumbles and the stricken look on the esthetician's face was the last thing I saw as I drove away and tears flooded my eyes. Anything I do for myself, is not good for my husband. I try so hard to be selfless and strong. And I will admit that I tell people I'm fine when they ask, but it's because it's just an empty question, they don't really want to know that I have had to learn how to work a penis. So I spent $200 for a nice relaxing-ish spa treatment that ended in anxiety and guilt for having caused my husband a bit of discomfort. It won't change, but I feel like I need to wear a sign that warns people that I'm five minutes from panic at any sign of adversity.
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